


Nat 20 Cockblockers

by Lyra_Kero



Series: Taakitz and their Cats [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Again I don't know if its modern with magic, Attempt at Humor, Cats, Five Times, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, No Smut, Taakitz just wants to bone, Taller Taako, The real things cats really do, Very brief mentions of vomit, and their owners who suffer for it, because I said so, nothing graphic, or after canon au, so there's that, you be the judge - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 02:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19286440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyra_Kero/pseuds/Lyra_Kero
Summary: Living with two cats should mean it's easy to get frisky whenever you want, right? Right?or, Five times Taako and Kravitz's cats cockblock them, and the one time they're not around to interfere.





	Nat 20 Cockblockers

**Author's Note:**

> I uh, didn't think I'd be back again so soon but hi hey hello here I am. Plus, it's fun writing about these two fools.
> 
> I should work on other things but I instead chose to dedicate the past few days writing this thing out of my head.
> 
> For those who are squeamish about vomit, part five mentions it. If you want to completely skip it, that's fine. If you want to read the nice, spicy stuff without the squick, stop reading after "Taako wiggled his body, ready to help get them off when it happened." and then jump down to the +1 section.  
> Y'all be safe~

1

 

Taako grumbled into his pillow, body curled tight under the thin blanket. He shifted slowly, stretching after a brief moment, soft whines and grumbles and huffs pulling from his throat. He opened his eyes, blinking around the room before closing them again. He felt something behind him move, a pair of arms wrap around his waist and pull him backwards. He smiled, tightly gripping his pillow in a weak attempt to pull away.  
“No.” he grumped, burying his face into the pillow as chilled lips pressed into his neck. “Stop.”

“Mm, morning.” Kravitz grumbled, voice lilting into that stupid, attractive cockney accent.

“I refuse.” Taako spoke into the pillow.

“You can’t refuse the morning.” his boyfriend said, trailing his lips along his neck and shoulders. The elf shuddered under his lips. “Rise and shine.”

“Darling, keep that up and something else is going to _rise and shine_.” Taako tried to sound grumpy but when his dumb, attractive boyfriend brought his teeth down onto his skin, he gave a sound of surprise and arousal.

 

The elf squirmed, rolling himself to face the reaper and narrowed his eyes. “That,” he said, evenly, even with his face blooming red, “was a dirty trick.”

 

When Kravitz responded to that accusation with a kiss, all bets were off. The two merged into one being of tangled limbs, breathing into each other. Hands roamed planes of flesh, nails bit into skin and the two lovers found themselves in a very familiar position: Taako smiling down to Kravitz, pupils blown wide, holding down his wrists as his long legs caged his boyfriend’s waist and hips.

“Hi.” the elf spoke, lips shiny and red. His smile curled wider as his boyfriend moved and he pressed his weight down on his pinned wrists. “No. No moving.”

“Oh?” Kravitz raised an eyebrow as the taller man lowered his head, hair falling down and pooling around them.

“M-hmm,” Taako brushed his lips against the reaper’s, eyes fluttering closed.

 

A loud crash sounded through the home and both men paused. Taako kept his eyes closed while Kravitz opened his.  
“What-”

“ _Don’t_.” the elf muttered, eyebrows pinching together. “Don’t talk about it.”

“Taako.”

“Don’t acknowledge it.”

“Taako…”

“If we acknowledge it, we have to do something about it.”

There was silence between them for a moment. Then. “We should at least make sure they’re not dead.”

“Pan, fucking, _shit_!” Taako slumped, leaning back. “I don’t _want_ to check on them!” he crossed his arms and pouted. “I want to fuck my hot boyfriend.”

“I promise I’ll stay put.” the reaper smiled as the taller man whined. “I won’t go anywhere.”

“You better not.” Taako moved, gently poking the other man’s nose. “Not. A. Muscle. Y’hear?”

“I won’t move from this position.”

Taako stared him down for a moment before he sighed and carefully climbed off both him and the bed and left the room. Kravitz laid there, keeping still as he half listened to the other man walking down the hall. After a moment he sighed when he heard the elf scream.

“ _WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID YOU DO?!?_ ”

 

“Well. So much for that.” Kravitz sat up, and followed the path his boyfriend took. He stepped into the kitchen and stared. “What the hell happened?”

“Krav. Babe.” Taako glared, Persephone sat, prim and proper in the center of destruction, looking up to the two men as if to say _I don’t know what happened_. The drying rack had fallen, plates and glasses scattered around. At least three plates were broken, and two glasses shattered. “We’re having feline fricassee tonight.”

“No, we’re not.” the other man leveled a look to the elf.

Taako groaned. Somehow, the cat was fine.

 

\--:::------::------------------->◇<\--------------------::------:::---

 

 

2

 

Taako hummed, folding himself close to his boyfriend, his head leaning back to lay against his shoulder. Kravitz hummed softly, carefully adjusting himself so Taako could better fit next to him, and turned a page in his book. The elf relaxed, sighing softly as he adjusted the blanket around them before bringing the mug of warm tea to his lips.

Outside, the rain poured, steadily pounding against the windows. It had been a wonderfully lazy day, and Taako had declared that chores would be done tomorrow, actually slapping Kravitz’s hand away from the pile of dirty laundry before dragging him out to the living room. Currently, the two had settled on the couch, comfortable and relaxed.

 

At some point, Taako had moved one of his feet, playfully kicking at one of his boyfriend’s. After a couple more hits, the other man began to gently swing his foot back. The game of footsie dissolved into Kravitz setting his book aside and at least giving Taako a moment to set his drink down before he grabbed his boyfriend. The two laughed, tickled one another before they settled, breathing heavily with large grins on their faces. Taako wrapped his arms around the reaper’s shoulders and tugged him closer for a kiss.

Slender fingers wove through locks of tightly braided hair, gently tugging in an attempt to control the kiss and somewhere along the way the elf had been laid down on the couch, his shirt being flung off the side. Kravitz’s shirt joined it soon after and the two squirmed, trying to get into a more comfortable position. A leg dropped off the edge of the couch as the two laughed and smiled into their kisses and Taako jumped when something brushed against it. He looked down, glaring as Hades rubbed against it again, meowing loudly.

“No. Shoo.” the elf grumbled, gently moving his leg to shove the cat aside. Sir Meowsalot meowed louder and proceeded to try again. “Oh, for the love of-- _why_?” he grumbled, sitting up enough to have better leverage at shoving the cat aside. “Go away.”

 

A loud purr sounded behind him and he turned just in time to see Persephone jump up onto the couch and balance herself along the back.  
Kravitz snorted and Taako turned to glare at him, betrayed.

 

Soon both cats were on the couch, cuddled and purring and meowing and both men were resigned to petting their cats with only minimal grumbling from Taako.

 

\--:::------::------------------->◇<\--------------------::------:::---

 

3

 

Taako smiled, laughing as he kicked his legs, managing to dislodge the last of his clothes, leaving himself and his beautiful, wonderful, attractive, _beautiful_ boyfriend naked. He reached his hands up, grabbing Kravitz’s shoulders and playfully tugged him down into another kiss.

 

Kravitz let his hands roam, loving the feeling of his boyfriend’s skin shuddering, goose-fleshing under his cold touch. The two moaned weakly as their bodies pressed together, grinding into one another as they chased their own pleasures. After a while, the elf broke the kiss, gasping softly for air.

“Oh, jeez,” he breathed out, “I need you in me like five minutes ago, babe.” he threw out his hand, trying to reach the drawer next to their bed without breaking contact with the reaper’s body. He tugged him down for another kiss, silencing the laughter that was bubbling from his boyfriend’s chest. He groaned, fingers just barely brushing against the handle of the drawer. “Son of a bitch.” he twisted around, fumbling and laughing as Kravitz took to kissing along his neck and shoulders and back while he pulled the drawer open and began to rifle around inside.

 

Movement caught the corner of his eye and Taako glanced over briefly, feeling his fingers brush against the bottle he’d been looking for. He froze, and looked again, ears twitching faintly.

 

Hades was staring at him, tail gently flicking as his eyes seemed to bore deep into his soul.

 

Taako felt an unpleasant chill run down his spine. “Uh… shoo.” he glanced away, waving his hand towards the cat.

“Mm?” Kravitz seemed preoccupied with sucking a mark onto the back of his neck. An action that should have been wonderful and made Taako squirm.

“Cat.” the elf muttered, his body twitching faintly, curling like he was trying to cover himself. “You. Out. Visiting hours are closed.”

 

The cat only continued to stare, eyes seemingly growing wider. As if the cat knew what was going on. What the two were trying to do.

The thought made Taako shudder in an unerotic way.

 

“Oh, gods, no.” he grumbled, burying his face into the pillow. He’d just ignore the cat. Ignore the dumb cat and he’ll go away. Focus on the attractive boyfriend making you feel good. Focus on getting that good reaper dick.

 

But as Taako moved his hand to extract the bottle, he was keenly aware of the cat continuing to watch. Was aware of a pair of beady eyes staring as he fussed with the lid. Knew that his fucking cat was about to watch as he was about to prep himself to get fucked.

 

“Nope.” Taako threw the bottle down on the bed and sat up. “Nope. Mood’s ruined.” He crossed his arms, face scrunched up and red as he glared at the cat. “You fucking ruined it!”

 

Hades only stared, mysteries of the universe revealing themselves to his feline eyes.

 

\--:::------::------------------->◇<\--------------------::------:::---

 

4

 

The front door swung open, Taako and Kravitz stumbling their way in, red faced and full of laughter. They were both dressed to the nines, Kravitz in the best three piece tuxedo that was ever conceived of, attractively hugging his body and making his eyes stand out more (according to Taako, who was an expert in his boyfriend). Taako, himself, was dressed in a lovely black dress with a slit up the side that was toeing the line of sexily tasteful and slutt-tastic. Add on a pair of heels to make him tower even more over his boyfriend (Taako knew Kravitz loved it, regardless of the huffing his boyfriend did) and the two were easily the best dressed couple this side of Goldcliff.

 

Taako smiled, laughing as he slipped the black shawl from around his arms and looped it around Kravitz, tugging him closer. “Hello~” he purred, lowering his head. “Fancy meeting you here, hot stuff.”

Kravitz laughed, wrapping his arms around the elf, their mouths close enough to taste the wine on their breaths. “Well, I do live here.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. With my boyfriend.”

“Mm,” the elf took a step back, tugging the reaper along with his shawl. “Naughty boy.”

 

Kravitz laughed, steps clumsy as he followed along, leaning to try and capture the elf’s lips.

“Eager boy, too.” Taako purred low, keeping his head just far enough back to tease his boyfriend.

“Only for you.” the shorter man breathed, smirking as he heard the slight hitch in the elf’s breath. Taako easily schooled his expression, even if his cheeks were painted a darker red.

“ _Rawr_.” the two kissed, lips clumsy while they worked out their position, tongues eager to explore the other’s mouth. The door to their bedroom was flung open while Taako pulled the two of them inside, and dragged his boyfriend back towards their bed.

 

As soon as he hit the bed he felt a lump under his back that made him squeal and jerk forward while simultaneously hearing a disgruntled _mrrrff_ under him. The two men looked and Taako narrowed his eyes as Persephone shook her head, looked towards the two of them and laid back down.

“Missus Fussybritches, _move_.” the elf gently reached out, nudging the cat. Persephone remained stoic, leveling him with a look. “Shoo, you have a perfectly good cat bed.” He nudged her harder and she rolled onto her back, purring as she stretched and wiggled her body.

“Stop that.” Taako huffed, “Stop being cute and move.” He stood up from the bed and went to pick her up, “Your dads are getting laid tonight and you’re right at ground zero.” He lifted the cat, who _mrrrff_ ’d again and placed her on the ground. “Out.”

 

Persephone, instead, jumped back up onto the bed and curled up.

 

Taako screeched while Kravitz sighed, mumbling something about getting dressed for bed.

 

\--:::------::------------------->◇<\--------------------::------:::---

 

5

 

The two of them moaned, panting softly into each other’s mouths. Taako was pressed up against the counters, arms wrapped around Kravitz while Kravitz ran his hands up and under his shirt, fingers ghosting along his ribs. Taako hooked his legs around his boyfriend’s waist, pulling him closer, tighter. They moaned as they ground together, the elf leaning his head back, allowing the other man to latch onto his neck.

 

Taako dug his fingers into Kravitz’s shoulders, whimpering weakly, hips bucking up as Kravitz ground down. He needed this. He _needed this, dammit_. He gasped, a louder noise pulling out of his throat when the reaper bit at the junction of his neck and shoulder, one of his hands moving up his chest and pinching a nipple. “Holy shit, _fuck_!”

 

Kravitz hummed, moaning as he pulled his head back to start removing his boyfriend’s shirt. Taako weakly moved his arms, allowing himself to break connection just long enough for the offending article of clothing to be removed before he latched back onto the shorter man and pulled him back for more kisses. “You’re fucking me right here, got that?” he grumbled into the kiss. “Right. Fucking. Here.”

“Of course,” Kravitz breathed back. His hands roamed the elf’s body, teasing his skin before sliding and dipping into the other man’s shorts. Taako wiggled his body, ready to help get them off when it happened.

 

That sound. That horrible, awful sound.

 

Both men tensed, bodies shuddering in displeasure and they looked. Hades was still hunched over and a lovely mess of cat food and bile was in front of him. The cat shook himself, leaned down to sniff at the mess then looked up to the two men, blinking slowly.

 

“Gross.” Taako grumbled, “Why now?” he leaned his head back, groaning.

“I’ll clean it up.” he reaper sighed, and Taako whined as his boyfriend pulled away, carefully stepping around the cat and his mess. “At least he didn’t hit your shirt.”

“Small miracles, my dude.” the elf sighed and carefully stood up, teetering on unsteady legs before he walked over and picked up the cat. “You, my dude, need to stop inhaling your food. You and Missus …” he heard a purr and looked down, seeing the other cat’s head down in the mess. “ _MISSUS FUSSYBRITCHES, THAT IS DISGUSTING STOP THAT!!_ ”

 

 

\--:::------::------------------->◇<\--------------------::------:::---

 

+1

 

“Seriously, it’s fine.” Lup said, smiling as she carefully lifted the two cat carriers, each of which held a cat. “I’ll get them to the vet and return them in like, an hour. Two tops.”

“Keep them.” Taako grumbled, nose red as he coughed, tugging the blanket he’d been wrapped up in tighter around him. He slumped down on the couch, grabbing a tissue to blow his nose. “It’s their fault I’m sick.”

“I highly doubt the cats made you run back home in the rain.” Kravitz said, walking into the living room, settling next to his boyfriend and handed him a mug of tea.

“They ate the pork I was going to make for dinner.” the taller man narrowed his eyes towards the carriers. “I had to run out and buy something for a last minute change.”

“And now they have to go to the vet to check for worms _and_ get medicine.”

“Serves them right.” the elf sniffed through his clogged nose and took a sip from his mug.

 

“I’ll let them hang out with me and Barry for a bit.” Lup offered. “At least until princess here is sleeping so I can sneak them back in.”

“Sounds good.” the reaper said, brushing hair from his boyfriend’s face. “He won’t be quite so cranky after he gets some rest and wakes up to them cuddling him.”

“ _He_ can hear you.” Taako grumbled into his mug.

 

“Talk at ya later!” Lup nodded her head before turning around. Kravitz stood up to help her with the door.  
“Thank you, again, Lup.”

“Don’t mention it, boss dude.” the other elf smiled, winking at him. “Have fun with all of that.”

 

“Get out of my house!” Taako yelled from the couch.  
“Good bye, Lup.” Kravitz said, smiling and watched her leave before shutting the door. He walked back over to his boyfriend, sighing, “Come on, you should go rest.”

 

Taako grumbled, borrowing himself into his blanket. “I’m not tired.”  
“Taako.”

“Krav, babe.” the elf sat up a bit straighter, coughed once, then grinned, “We’re _alone_.”

“What?” Kravitz blinked, raising an eyebrow.

“We’re _alone_.” he repeated, wiggling his eyebrows. “They fucking cats are gone. Oh gods, we can _fuck_!”

“We… we will not.” the reaper sighed, crossing his arms. “You’re sick. You’re going to bed and sleeping.”

 

“You can come with me, and uh, play doctor.” the elf winked at him, trying to pull a seductive pose. It would have worked if he didn’t look two steps from death, if you’ll excuse the pun.

“I will not.” the reaper reached down and gently coaxed the other man up. “You need your rest.”

“I’ve heard sex is good for a cold.” Taako tried again. “We can fuck it out of me.”

 

“We will not.” Kravitz kept his grip around his boyfriend tight as he lead him to their room.

“You can draw me a bath and we can both get in.” Taako giggled, leaning closer to his boyfriend, draping himself over him.

“You’re going to bed. Staying in bed. And not leaving the bed.”

“ _Kinky~_ ”

“Taako.” Kravitz nudged the door to their room open and gently brought the elf to their bed, laying him down. “Please, get some rest.”

 

Taako pouted, grabbing onto Kravitz’s arm. “Those two cockblocking litches-”

“They’re not litches.” the reaper interrupted.

“ _Cockblocking litches_ ,” the elf insisted, “have been fucking our Personal Time up all week.” He sat up a bit, pouting, “I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty fucking stressed. Now, while Lup has the cats, _someone is getting dicked_. And I don’t care who.”

 

Kravitz smirked, raising an eyebrow. “Are you implying that you, the self proclaimed Pillow Prince, is going to fuck me?”

“Don’t fuck with a wizard’s love life, my dude.” Taako raised his hand, poking at Kravitz’s chest. “I _will_ invoke Tentacles.”

“That sounds like it might get a tad messy.”

 

“The ball is in your court, Krav.” Taako shifted, crossing his arms.

 

Kravitz wants to say he put Taako to bed. Laid him down and tucked him in nice and tight and forced him to sleep.

 

Kravitz is not a liar, though. Kravitz is not a weak man, but there are certain things that get to him.

Taako, for one. Taako can get to him. And that’s why it didn’t take much more convincing for him to climb into bed with his boyfriend, who gave a resounding “ _Fuck yeah!_ Get over here, baby, ch’boy needs some lovin’!”

 

 

 

A couple hours later, Lup knocked at the door. She waited a few minutes before digging for the spare key she was given and opened it. “Hello~?” she called, looking inside.  
Kravitz hadn’t answered when she called earlier, and now she couldn’t really hear anything. Well, she could. But that was only if she strained and the brief noise she got was more than enough to have her drown that out.

 

She quickly set to work, letting the cats out of their carriers and setting the carriers by the door. “Behave.” she said, gently petting the cats before turning, placing the worm medicine on the table next to the door and leaving.

 

Hades and Persephone stretched and walked around their domain. They both turned their heads, hearing Taako’s loud moan from the bedroom. Simultaneously, the cats stalked forward, nudging the door to the bedroom open. They stood there a moment, staring as their owners moved on the bed before Hades opened his mouth.

And meowed.


End file.
